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The current war inside me.. Covid playing mind games..

I started the week happy after a long weekend determined to clear a fair bit off to do list from my plate. It had been a few days where I had been feeling stuck in finding solutions finding the way forward, this is what I am supposed to do for a living. Part of the problem was that I had taken up a new #job, with a step jump! Hence, putting myself in this spot of pressure and feeling the heat. I have always been a content person happy with where I have made in life (it is way ahead of what I thought of making it to in my early days). Yet a recent realisation of how expenses look forward and my under preparedness to be able to support myself (and my family) independently looking at the expenses say 20 years from now, triggered a thought for looking at more rewarding options in career space. Now when I say responsibilities it is not the that we don't have food on table or house stay (well this one can be debated living all my life in rental homes), it's more of having a psychological comfort. As you inch towards your retirement age one would want to have lesser pressure to ay bills, be covered on any unforeseen medical expenses, and have home all payed for to hide in. And may be, if I am lucky, have enough money left to go explore the world.

(This is from my solo trip to Egypt in 2018, when travel was always on my mind)

Which brings me back to where I am today, started the week perfectly motivated, looking to get things closed and rolling. And by mid week I was on track to close the week with some closures (for those wondering I break work in weekly goals and try to close things accordingly to keep on track and not let things slip away). And then something changed, Thursday noon we got a message saying my dad has tested covid positive. It was almost for a moment like world turned upside down, especially with so much fear that has been building up for the virus. I am not saying we should take it light, but we definitely do not need to be scared. Like all unknowns in life that suddenly hit you (Tower moments - for those who follow #Tarot), what gets you through is having positive mindset and solving each problem as it comes.

(The world came down crumbling like a tower for me this week)

Going back a little on how this started, Tuesday evening dad started with a mild fever and light cough and we thought it is seasonal flu as winters are just setting in, by Wednesday morning fever and cough both and increased. He called our doctor first thing in the morning and the doctor said go for #covid test and recommended a lab. We got the test done and also dad started isolating as precaution. We were fairly confident that report would be negative as we did not see any chance of exposure. And yet the report came positive, the first thing that we did was call the doctor who immediately arranged to get the medicines delivered to our place (including the oxymeter to monitor SPO2 levels). While, we had started isolation when doctored had advised the test, the challenge was there were high chances of rest of us being exposed to virus, it is really difficult avoiding the spread within the family living in a flat and having food on a common dining table. Remember one is contagious even before the symptoms show. We got tested and now all of us are under home treatment for covid. Symptoms started staggered for all. My mom got it 2 days after dad, I got it 2 days after my mom. And my grandma still doesn’t have fever 🤞. Irrespective the medication is on for all as prescribed by the doctor.

( My new set of #covidessentials)

While we cope with physical healing, #mind rages on wondering, this seems like a #divine intervention from #universe where, we are being asked to pause, and relook at priorities (not only me, apparently the whole family needs it). Sometimes we do not realise that we need to heal be it physically, emotionally or mentally. Now here I am wondering, what is that I need to work on. While I #heal and get better fighting the virus, my mind keeps reminding of all the deadlines, I would miss at work 😟, building #anxiety. So, while my body heals how do I keep my mind in check, wish there was a way I could just turn off the mind and get onto a dreamy world. But my mind unwilling to take a break and also not wanting to work(who works on a Sunday) keeps me away from taking a nap. So, what an idle mind does on a day like today, it wonders #whatif.

The question that this #whatifsoflife present is the same old one. Is all the madness we keep running behind worth it. We put more than half our day for at least 5 days behind madness of work (work form home is more maddening), to pile up money for what we feel is our need for future. but what if future never comes?? Most people end up doing this all their life, never stopping to pause and enjoy what they have. not practicing #gratitude. The alternate is to enjoy what you have and not worry about future (not saying one has to live life broke). It may mean different things to different people, to some it means a small town content life with ample time with family, to another it can be working 6 months and backpacking the rest of it, to some it can be having a comfortable home in a big city and enjoying the hustle of big cities. To me it is finding #peace within myself and with who I am. No matter how old I get, there always have been things I have struggled with, about myself. From being an odd ball in the family, to a person lacking social tact or just not able to fit myself in the so called "normal life". The core problem here is that I have always looked at what should be from the eyes of people or society, the need to be accepted, but the realisation is what I truly need is acceptance by self. So the lesson for my mind that covid has brought is to be more thoughtful, not only of people around me but myself. Be forgiving, even to myself. Give love, to myself first. And I say mind because in todays logical practical world its the mind that rules us. And hence, it is our mind which has to accept that we are human, prone to make mistakes, slowing down or needing rest on occasion. This may or may not be something many people relate too, but this war goes in inside my head frequently, where I keep forgetting to be gentle to myself.

Hoping that the next #sunrise brings more peace and acceptance to me.

(Another picture from my time in Egypt, sun rising over the Red Sea)

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